A FUNNY – WE NEED TO LAUGH MORE
IF MY BODY WERE A MOTORBIKE...
in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .. But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it –
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter...either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod.
His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his
secretary had told him, finally understood.
He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.
When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my GSX 1400 SUZUKI parked in there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was a PEE WEE 50.”
…….smile
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that is was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said.
'Just look at you! You have no legs!' The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
Smile a little…..
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. Then I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local bikie club.
One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded bikie guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The bikie was amused, but says she needs to meet certain bikie requirements in order to join.
The bikie asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bikes parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway. The bikie asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The bikie asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shooting pool."
The bikie is very impressed and asks," Last question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope...but I've been swung around by the nipples!"
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The
blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go.
I didn't realize you were a cop."